


How it Feels

by LordAkira18



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Determination, Drabble, Gen, Guilt, If you're a fan of Matthew Stover, Inspired by Matthew Stover, POV Second Person, Shinji wants to step up, Too bad we know what happens next, then you'll find this familiar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordAkira18/pseuds/LordAkira18
Summary: This is how it feels to be Shinji Ikari, for now.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	How it Feels

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote for SaigaDrop, for a story we're both working on. But this works as a stand-alone piece, and I liked it so much, that I decided to share it.
> 
> Please like, comment, and enjoy!

This is how it feels to be Shinji Ikari, for now:

As you descend into the bowels of a war-torn NERV, you can't help but ponder all that has led you here. Everything that you have done. All that has transpired since you awoke to the face of a little girl grown into a young woman in the span of a second.

You still can't believe it. Even now, as you breathe in the fluid that smells too much like blood, that horrible LCL smell you once wished to leave behind, you still cannot believe that you have lost fourteen years. You doubly can't believe that, for how much everything and everyone has changed, they still look the same since you last saw them. More or less.

Asuka called it a curse. Did that make it your fault too?

Everything seems to be your fault lately.

You've avoided sleep these last few nights, fighting off the return to that horrible hell that had once been Tokyo-3. Twisted and deformed, a mark of you sin. When you were with Misato, when you only had quiet, burning cold anger and barely coherent answers, you had the benefit of Ignorance. Now, though, you cannot deny the truth: You did this. You almost destroyed the world. You did the exact same thing the Angels did for Second Impact.

You've spent many an hour wondering how many people you've killed.

Misato might tell you the number, if she doesn't decide to kill you on the spot.

The thought of your guardian sends a spasm of pain through you. Of all the people who must despise you, hers hurts the worst. The cold distance of which she put between the two of you felt like a chasm that could never be cross, unfathomably different to the warm, caring woman you once knew. She's so much like Father now that you want to vomit.

Father.

The thought of _him_ leaves a feeling like a burning fist closing around your lungs, stifling your breath. You have always hated the man for what he did to you, for the impossible things he asked of you, but now you can't even find the words to describe how you feel.

You have always believed he was a bad person. Now, thanks to the words of Fuyutsuki, you know it without doubt. The man was completely out of his mind. Both of them are.

What else can you call people who made clones of your _mother_?

And as unprepared as you were to learn things about a woman you barely remember, you were fully unprepared for the lancing agony that was the truth of Rei Ayanami. Not only her origins, but that the girl you've tried so hard to connect to is just another clone, the latest model. A replacement. A shadow of the girl you had known.

The girl you had known was gone. Had been gone this entire time. All you have been chasing was her ghost.

To look at that girl now only brings pain. You had liked Rei, maybe even loved her, that to look at this other girl and remember how hard you tried to bring forth that beautiful smile feels like a betrayal.

You do not think about how many Reis must have come before the one you knew. You don't care about them any more than you care about this current model. You want _your_ Rei.

Everything you had done had been for the purpose of saving Rei, that had been your only concern when you drove EVA-01 into battle all that time ago. You suffered pain and endured hate so that you could be reunited with her. And instead, all you got was a flat copy.

But that's your whole life, isn't it? Because the world takes and takes and takes, collecting on a debt you had no choice but to sign your name to the second you stepped into NERV.

You wished you had run away then as much as you had not even two hours ago. The black abyss of despair that you found yourself in seemed bottomless and you wished to remain there forever. You would rather suffer in solitude than endure the world and its people, the broken mirror of a life you had once grit your teeth to endure. You had hated that life with a passion, but there were things about it that you had enjoyed, no matter how much you had whined. You'd happily return to that life if you could, it would be better than this one.

But you had salvation, the only clean spot in this bloodstained world: Kaworu Nagisa.

There are a lot of words you could use to describe the strange pale boy, and not many of them very flattering. But unlike everyone else _ever_ , Kaworu had been there: always caring, always free with advice and unstinting aid. A sympathetic ear and a kind, loving, unconditional acceptance of you exactly as you are—the sort of acceptance you had only ever dreamed of in the past. You can speak with Kaworu in ways you could never speak to anyone before, never without the fear of scorn or hate lingering in the back of your mind.

Around Kaworu, you can be yourself. As miserable and wretched as you feel, and he still looks at you with that care.

Kaworu told you, even as you sank under the weight of your crimes, that there was still hope. Which, _of course_ , involves using an EVA and some kind of spears located in Terminal Dogma. He said you both could save everyone, fix the world even.

And you believe him.

In a world where you can't trust anyone, not your father and not even Misato, you trust him. You _trust_ him.

After all, he's your friend.

Only someone willing to wear a collar that could blow your head off could be called a friend.

He's the only one you've got.

You look over at him, dressed in the same dark blue plugsuit as yourself. He returns your look with a smile and a determined nod and for you, this tiny, comradely action ignites a warmth and ease that relaxes the grip of dread on your heart you always have whilst piloting.

EVA Unit 13 has one key, defining trait that makes it stand above any other EVA you know: It has a Double Entry System. It requires both you and Kaworu to function. Instead of static voices barking in your ear, you need only look to your side to find your friend right there next to you.

You'll carry this burden together.

For the first time in your life, you're not alone.

For the first time ever, you don't want to run away.

Forget the world outside; it'll be gone soon enough. Forget the hate and scorn of those you once called friends and allies; you'll earn their forgiveness soon enough. Forget Father. What is he? Just a cruel, broken man. Compared to you in the EVA, he might as well be a bug.

So now, the situation boils down to this: you are descending into an unknown Hell with the best friend you have ever had, with a shadow of the girl you loved following obediently after your heels.

On your way to fix the world.

What you have done, what has happened to the world and the people you know, and more importantly, _why_ it all happened, will all be washed away like muck off a kitchen top. Already it feels like the actions of somebody else, someone young and ignorant. Earnest in their intentions, of course, but still ignorant. That person, when all is said and done, will merely be a bad memory in the dark, weary eyes of WILLE's personal.

And by the time you meet up with Misato again, you will meet her under a clear blue sky with a clean green earth under your feet. You'll pay for your crimes however you can, will accept the hate you know will be waiting for you in WILLE, but you have at least removed some of the burdens upon their shoulders. You'll offer your aid in whatever comes next, if they'll have you.

You'll ask Kaworu if, with the power you'll both employ, you can bring back Rei. _Your_ Rei

And you, finally, can rebuild that which is most important to you.

Fuyutsuki said that breaking the world was easy, but that rebuilding it was a different trial altogether. Maybe he's right. Or maybe he's on the verge of losing hope himself.

Either way, nothing short of death will stop you now.

This is how it feels to be Shinji Ikari.

For now.

**Author's Note:**

> With this, I formally say hello to 2021.


End file.
